08/06/2017
When we think of carers, we normally assume that they are female. It may surprise you to know that 40% of the carer population is male! While men are generally thought of as hard and strong, there are some clients and families who may take advantage of this. While women are traditionally brought up to take care of people (husbands, babies, and older parents) there are many men who have taken on the role of carers now. This comes with a whole different set of situations which must be worked through.
One of the problems with live in care work is that the job can be very isolated and therefore very lonely. Many people find this the main reason to stop working as carers, and men are no different from women in this respect.
Often male carers are perceived to be strong and infallible, with many more demands made on them than on women. The idea that the carer is a ‘big, strong man, and can do anything’ is sometimes the way they may be seen.
Here are some emotional/physical tips for male carers:
Stay connected: keep up your circle of friends, whether they are carers or not. Join a support group such as a carer forum, even if most of the members are women. You will find help, advice, and support for when the days get lonely, and you have no one to talk to.
Exercise: if all you do is to get out of the house for a good walk every other day, it is a good idea to do so. A change of scenery, along with some fresh air will always be good for you. If it is possible, join a gym locally where you can work out in your break.
Watch your diet: as any woman will tell you, it is easy to eat the wrong food out of boredom, frustration, or stress. While you may be paying attention to what your client eats, remember to also look after yourself. You cannot do your job if you are ill, so good diet is important.
Deal with isolation: this can become a problem, and it is important that you work out a plan to come into contact with other people. On a carer forum, you should ask about other carers in the area, and you will normally find one or two who will be able to meet up for a coffee and a chat.
Self-confidence: live in care work can tire a person out, to the point that they lose self confidence in their own strengths. Negative feelings like these are normally because you are getting tired, stressed or frustrated. Take some time to analyse why you feel that you are less confident and aim to set it right.
Learn to say no politely: No, it is not fair that you are called four or five times every night and have no breaks. Just because you are a man, it does not give anyone the right to take advantage. Be tactful and polite, and do not take on more than you have agreed at the start, certainly no more because you are a male!
There are some problems which will affect men more than women in the care industry, and it is always a good idea to talk about them. Find a confidante that you can confide in, preferably someone who understands your job. If you are repeatedly being taken advantage of by client or family, get in touch with your agency. Keeping quiet about things will only make the problem worse.
Confidentiality
The ground rules are: confidentiality; allowing people to speak, especially new people; time boundaries for the beginning and end of the meetings; and everybody to introduce themselves when a new member joins the group.
Increasingly the carers are taking on running things for themselves – shaping the discussion and activities to help address their needs. At the start of the meeting they chat informally which is as important as the main topics, because they share their stress as well as the triumphs of the caring role.
In the group, there is also respect for those who don’t want to talk but are just happy to be there.
The group have discussed a number of topics including advice on cooking, looking after your health, benefits, and issues over providing personal care to a wife or mother.
A visiting district nurse discovered some men had very high blood pressure that had been previously overlooked by health services.
Confidence
Information sharing between members helps to build people’s self-esteem and confidence which also acts as a link to other carers’ services. For example, counselling was seen by some men as something they wouldn’t do but with encouragement from others who have tried it, it is now more widely accepted.
Respite care, sitting services, aromatherapy, reflexology, first aid, computer classes, learning for living, digital photography and art classes have all helped to raise the quality of male carers’ lives.
The first point of support contact for male carers was said to be vital. “A bloke wants to talk to a bloke,” says Ronnie. In the group the men have helped each other to apply for and accept help. The paradox is ever present of being under a great deal of stress but not wanting to relinquish caring responsibilities, partly because of being apprehensive about the insufficient or different quality of care that might be provided.
The men’s carers group is helping to break down barriers for some male carers who have been plunged into caring and feel lost and overwhelmed. By talking to each other and feeling more confident about getting help and support, perhaps the male psyche of coping alone and holding it all in are being gently eased out.
There is a sense of liberation in the group with men being able to manage their caring situations, perhaps in the knowledge of knowing that they’ve also got each other to talk to. It’s been a big step.
