Articles

Dealing with family members who fight

12/05/2017

Live in care work is a stressful occupation at the best of times. Sometimes it is made even more difficult by family members who argue. 

This is a common problem when siblings have differences of opinion as to how their parent are looked after. Arguments and disagreements may range from what time to get mom up in the morning, what she should wear, how much exercise she should have – and to more touchy subjects such as how much housekeeping the carer has, and who does the shopping.

It is very tempting to listen to both sides of the argument and then take sides. This is the natural and normal thing to do. It is also the very worst thing you can do when you are the carer, and the family are disagreeing!

It is important that you listen to both sides, as you will learn what the sensitive subject is about, but is it imperative that you never take sides. The situation that you find yourself in is very much like seeing a domestic argument between a husband and wife, stepping in to moderate, and finding that they both (even though they may hate each other) turn on you!

The last thing you need is for any member of the family to turn against you and think that you are ‘on the other side’. The phrase ‘I see what you’re saying but your sister is right’ is looking for trouble, as you will never be forgiven for taking a side.

The best thing for you to do is to keep as impartial as you can.  No matter how much you agree with the other party, keep that opinion to yourself.

Aim to be equally friendly with both parties, if you offer tea for one, offer it to the other. When you greet them, make sure you ask them both how they are. Whatever you do for the one, be sure to do for the other.

In situations where there is a disagreement about basic things like clothing, you may say to them both to set out a pile of suitable clothing that you can dress mom in, and then walk away. Let them sort the clothing out, without your input. 

If disputes are about what mom eats, again you should ask them to make a list for you to choose from.

Financial disputes are one of the most difficult situations to deal with. If the housekeeping is the issue, ask for an allowance, receipt book and a purse. Be methodical in what you spend and document it. Keep change in a safe place and be open about how much you spend. 

The most important thing in situations where sibling disagree, is to remember that is the client you work for. While the family may pay your wages, it is your client who needs your attention. If things get too out of control, offer to take your client for a walk, if possible. 

If things really do get out of hand, walk away. It is not your job to sort out family disputes. Rather than have the family see you as a threat, let them see you as a neutral person, who is not prepared to interfere and take sides.