Articles

Coping when your client’s spouse dies

05/07/2017

As a live-in carer, you will occasionally find yourself working for couples. This can be a very rewarding experience for you, as well as your clients. It can also be extremely stressful, and traumatic if one of them becomes ill, and passes away. This is going to affect you very profoundly. You will find that your role of carer, has just taken on a whole new dimension.  

Talk about it: don’t let the death of a spouse become the elephant in the room. More than likely the couple had been married for many years. The remaining person is going to feel as if he has lost more than ‘just a partner’. They have lost not only their best friend, but their soul mate, and confidante.  

It is okay to talk about the deceased if your client wants to do this. Take your cue from them. Talking is a part of the healing process, so let them grieve.  

Attend the funeral:

If possible, try to attend the funeral. Sometimes this may be impractical, if you are out of the country or with another client, but you should at least call and speak to the remaining client. Reassure them that you will be thinking of them. Ask if you could make a donation to a charity.  

Be a comforting presence:

If your client needs to cry, let them. Many clients will seem to be carrying on as normal, only to break down at the sight of something which brings back memories. Crying is normal, you should be the shoulder that they cry on. It is no shame if you shed a tear with them. Neither should it be embarrassing to put your arm around them, even if your client is of the opposite sex. Listen to them, let them tell you what they miss, what they remember, and most of all, what they want to do next. Your client needs to know that you are not judging them for anything, and that letting feelings show is nothing to be ashamed about.  

Be patient: 

Accept that at this time, your client’s head is full of confusion and trouble. They are thinking about things they may never have considered before. Be prepared to be asked the same question again. Take the time to sit and listen to your client, and talk about any concerns they may have. If these are financial, then you should let the family know that your client has concerns.

Give them space to grieve:

Be sensitive to times when your client wants to be alone. As long as they know that you are within hearing distance should they need you, let them have that time.  

Don’t rush things:

There will be enough confusion and upheaval in all the arrangements, without you bringing on more by rushing things. Dental check-ups can wait, as can getting the car serviced. Focus on what must be done first as a priority, and reschedule the rest. Don’t rush your client into choosing an outfit for the funeral. Remember that this is incredibly stressful for them. They will be looking at the service as ‘saying goodbye’ and may not be ready for it. If you serve lunch half an hour later because they wanted to sit and talk to you, accept it. Things will be different for a while, and you must adapt to this.  

Offer positive help:

Be specific about offering help to family. Avoid vague conversations such as ‘If you want me to do anything, just ask’. Instead offer to take a suit to the cleaners or pick it up.  

Put the kettle on:

Be prepared to make many cups of tea! Family and friends will arrive, and will gladly accept a cup of tea or coffee. Make sure you have enough milk, sugar, and a plate of biscuits